Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
