I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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