I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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