Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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