So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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