I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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