I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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