"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
