I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
