and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
