You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
