We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
