Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish i was in the wii world.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
