I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
