we have officially lost it.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
