Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
