So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
