While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
