Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize