Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize