I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I want a musical about memes.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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