just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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