All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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