If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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