I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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