i just wanna soil my oats bro
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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