if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
