my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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