I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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