Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
