moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize