He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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