you guys were way drunker than both of me
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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