I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
