My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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