sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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