opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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