The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
