Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
