i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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