i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
