New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
