I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
