got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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