I feel like I'm in dance class right now
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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