Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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