yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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