Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
