you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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