remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Vodka?
Forever.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
