happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
