..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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