You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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