I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize