I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
