she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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