yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my being single is dangerous.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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