I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
