Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
