I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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