We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
