My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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