that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
